MIA ~ Lots Of Changes

Sorry I have been missing my friends but life has been handing me some curve balls that I really just want to throw back!

I have been on a number of appointments to various doctors, lots of painful and pointless testing and a lot of "we just aren't sure's" are being exchanged. 

My Endocrinologist suggested awhile back that I needed to see an OB/GYN and soon. I had been putting it off because to be honest I was not ready to deal with that facet of my health and I wanted to "finish" the other odds and ends that surround my health. Last month it was decided the waiting was over. I had to go. 

In the first appointment my new (to me) OB/GYN pretty much sent shock-waves through my entire body and mind.  My ovaries are prematurely failing, there are what they believe to be pre-cancerous cells, and my baby factory needs to be burned down, demo'ed and removed. 

After an ultrasound and now a biopsy I am pretty much feeling violated on a million different levels and I am pretty devastated as well.  In conjunction of MD Anderson I know they are making the right choices. I know they have my best interest at heart and I knew this was coming. I could tell something was not right and I just didn't want to deal with something else. Stupid I know. 

They are moving along quickly with all of the procedures and in a week or so the ability to carry and hold another baby of mine will be taken away from me. (For reasons I understand). I am sad, hurt, confused and have a little why me locked up in there somewhere as well. 

Although I knew it would have been a long shot for us to have more babies with everything that has happened I always held out hope that I would be rocking someone else to sleep and able to smell that sweet new baby smell again. 

I have cried a lot. Broke down in the Disney Store, asked my OB why they insist on having pictures of beautiful babies and pregnant women all over selfish much. 

I know so many people have lost babies, are unable to have them and that I am blessed with one sweet and sassy little lady but I cannot express how sad I am at the thought of not having another one of these: