I can no longer have babies. I am sorry for the absence on the blog not that any of you are waiting on the internet for a new post to pop up from my blog! Ha.
I won't go into a bunch of details or woe is my type conversations my best friend has been an angel for listening to me play out every possible what if or what now. Fact is I have a bum body and this is part of it making itself known.
I had surgery Monday, there will be another procedure and than a full hysterectomy in a short while and all of the dreams I had of holding another baby, having a less traumatic pregnancy and enjoying one have gone up in smoke. I realize there are people struggling to conceive and have suffered a loss of a child so please do not think my heart is not with you. I have thrown an intimate and very private pity party and I am moving on now.
Cancer is the most ridiculous thing on the planet. Fact.
I did have an experience at the hospital that I have not really even expressed to the people closest to me. At this particular hospital when you are being called for surgery you are put in a holding area with other women who are on their way to their OR's and of course with their respective doctor. While I was waiting there was a woman next to me who had been talking to her nurse, the doctor had been delayed again and the woman started crying as the nurse walked away. I asked her if she needed a tissue since there was some near me and she sniffled no. She asked me why I was there and I briefly explained my struggles. She said wow you are so young. I hate that for you. I asked if she wanted to share why she was there and she said she had her child a week before; the baby had been stillborn. I felt like such an asshole for crying about my life and my perfectly healthy girl waiting for me at school. This woman was in agony over having another procedure done after the loss of her child. All I could do was hold her hand until I was wheeled away.
I think is this gigantic shitbox of a world sometimes all you can do is put yourself on ice for a moment and realize your stuff might pale in comparison to other people's stuff.
Reach out to someone you know and let them know you are still there. Chances are they need it more than you do.