Can we talk?
Like real talk without a bunch of BS and fluffy kittens involved?
There have been two instances in the past few weeks where the subject of sizing and or weight have come up, and have really made me stop, think and pat myself on the back.
I weigh 167-169#s at the moment. Is this good news? I don't know, I am battling to get to 165, possibly 155 and to be honest I have tried everything I know to get "there". If you know me in the real world you know I eat pretty flawlessly, I run, I hit the gym and do all that I am "supposed to do". Theoretically I should be at my goal weight. Or under. Realistically I am not, and I know my body is fighting with everything it has to ward off illness and work at playing it's best defense against disease.
Am I frustrated? Sure, at times I guess I am. Do I throw in the towel and say "fuck it" every time I see something that looks delicious? No. My food issues are long behind me. I buy Oreo's, I eat one or two and move on with my life and my general rule of thumb is if I REALLY want something I try to remember how it tasted. If it is as good as I remember I eat it, and if not I don't waste my time or calories on something that is just lack luster.
Was this an easy part of my journey? Not at all. Do I regret pushing through it in order to see food more as fuel than just garbage I put into my body? No. When I finally learned what worked for my body, what I could run longer, go further and feel happier on I feel like I accomplished something far better than just a more respectable # on the scale.
Do I have bad days? Well not a ton of them but I do have days where I know I could have done better and I am very aware of them. I do not say well X, Y and Z happened so I just A, B and C'd my way through it, "tomorrow is a new day". Sure, tomorrow is a new day and something will happen tomorrow that will set your mind in motion to repeat today.
Guys, losing weight is a lifestyle change. The fad diets and trends out there really get under my skin because I know how difficult it is to lose weight and to keep it off. I've been there and done all that. Did you know that only 6% of Americans have an intolerance to Gluten but the #OMGAMAZEFEST Gluten trend is sweeping the nation. Along with Paleo, along with this or that. I am ALL FOR eating fresh, good and REAL food. I am not for whatever buzzword someone picks up and runs with.
I committed and I conquered. It sucked, it was less than popular and it left me with a lot of emotional baggage.
You lose weight and you become a super model with a rail thin body right? No. I am a size 10 or 12, I wear a size 14 in pretty much everything I own because I do not want to buy everything over, and I don't want to cram my ass into something that doesn't fit because it has a trendier # on the tag.
I don't seek out certain stores because I know I can fit into a more socially acceptable size. In fact I could give a crap less what someone thinks about the size I wear. I work hard for the body I have, I revamped my entire life to be where I am today and I am not going to allow a # on the INSIDE of my clothing rule my life.
I am actively seeking out more staple pieces in my wardrobe in the correct size. With losing my hair I gained some confidence to wear more form fitting garments. This does not read or mean that I will be buying clothes I cannot breathe in or shouldn't have on in the first place. It means I respect myself enough and have grown enough in my own skin to wear clothes that fit well, and look the part.
I see so many women so caught up with the numbers of it all. Weight, size, shape, miles, meals and so goes the list. I have found that when I let go of SOME of the variables I was/am a lot happier. I track my caloric intake, I track my mileage and of course my weight. Not for the reasons you would think.
When I released the death grip hold I had on my own negative narrative I learned a lot about my body.
So here are some things I learned.
It's not perfect.
I don't fucking care if you like it or not.
I have tiger stripes, stretch marks or whatever else you want to call them and I am not sorry because they represent my efforts and my child. Sit and spin haters.
It moves me from point A to point B with my running.
I lost 150#s and have kept it off for 9 years and I still have some curves.
It's flawed and so am I.
It has allowed me to meet some outstanding people in the running and triathlon community.
It houses a very powerful soul.
It taught me about grace.
If you are still equating your worth with the sizing tag of your clothing you need a check up from the neck up. Real talk.
In all my size 12 glory.